Sunday, 26 December 2010


My friends always seem to end up with toxic guys who only leave them in a state. I try to tell them, but it’s like throwing snowballs in a blizzard at the North Pole. There many ways to distinguish a toxic man, so take heed.

1.If he’s ten years older than you, he probably thinks of you as ten years younger. Which means he either sees you as immature and childish, so you should dump him before he dumps you, or he sees you as some easy-to-manipulate boy cock he fuck at whim and abuse as he pleases. Grab a whip and show him who’s boss.

2.If you love him but he doesn’t love you, then that’s a clear sign you should get a grip. If he, despite knowing how you feel, still offers to shag you, slit the smug bastard’s throat and steal his Gucci loafers to sell on eBay. He’s clearly using you for his own perverse amusement and has total disregard for how you feel.

3.If he gives you an STD six months after you both checked out clean, he’s obviously cheating. Put a needle under your tongue right before you go to give him his next blowjob. You get top points if you can slide it down his urethra before he notices.

4.If he spends all his time with his ex-boyfriend but ignores you, even on Valentine’s Day, then chances are he’s boning the ex. Especially if you don’t have sex anymore, you have to call him first and he plans weekends away with the scabby queen he used to go out with.

5.Similar to above, if he always talks about his exes and tells you he loves you after a fortnight, he’s probably a desperate serial monogamist willing to jump headfirst into any doomed relationship he can get his hands on. Pity the poor suckers who end up with his rapid cycling bi-polar and self-harming mood-swings for more than a month.

6.If he makes you clean up his piss from the white carpets after a tragically messy night out, or if he makes you pay his bills and have sex on demand, whilst giving you nothing in return except the clap, he likely sees you as a maid/parent/slave and not the equal you (maybe) deserve to be. Then again, if you agree to do it you deserve everything you get.

With that in mind, it’s always worth a carrying a switchblade in your Vivienne Westwood pirate boots (which are almost as out of fashion now as that neck-scarf thing), just so you can fend of the clamouring masses of toxic boyfriends, who roam the clubs like zombies wanting to leech you of any fabulousness you may possess. As soon as they display any of the above symptoms, aim for the head and then get out of there ASAP. Whatever you do, don’t whinge to your mates, in case they decide to stab you instead.

Ignore these words of wisdom at your own peril.

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