Sunday, 12 December 2010


[Originally published May 10 in Bent:]

Katie Price and Peter Andre, if you´ve been living under a rock and
somehow haven´t heard, are no longer together. Forget their recent
appearances on Graham Norton and Paul O´Grady; forget their marathon
dash. Forget every word you´ve read in any of Katie´s ghostwritten
autobiographies. It´s all apparently rubbish. But let´s face it, who
ever bought it anyway? I wouldn´t be surprised if they switched again
and renewed their wedding vows for a glossy magazine before we even go
to print.

Goodbye ageing obscurity and Hello! magazine.

Peter wants to sing again, but has he asked any of us what we think?
Let´s hope he doesn´t. And will Katie resurrect Jordan? I can see the
wrinkles now. He: parading around across MTV and T4 with his leathery
man-boobs out, grinding to a mysterious (and invisible) girl. She:
baps out, down to her ankles, stretch-marked and leaking milk all over
page three. What a pair of tits!

Maybe I´m cynical (by now you know I am) but doesn´t this just seem
like yet another ploy to get on the front page? Now they get to sell
stories about how bad the other was in bed, who took up the bed
covers, who cheated on who. There will be the custody battle, the
McCartney-style fight for material gain, thew concerned Mitch
Winehouse-type parents, the disturbed children, the public rows, the
general public disapproval, then maybe a reconciliation in time for

Well Max Clifford might find the media circus amusing, but i fancy
setting the elephants loose and dropping the tent on all concerned.
i´m tired of the relentless freakshow. With all her thick make-up she
looks like a Tia-Anna rip off (if you caught the drag queen on
Britain´s Got Talent). Then again, it does seem like a good lesson in
how to cash in during the credit crunch. Maybe MPs will be doing it
next to repay their fraudulent expenses claims.

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