Sunday, 26 December 2010

TROUBLE MAN

My friends always seem to end up with toxic guys who only leave them in a state. I try to tell them, but it’s like throwing snowballs in a blizzard at the North Pole. There many ways to distinguish a toxic man, so take heed.

1.If he’s ten years older than you, he probably thinks of you as ten years younger. Which means he either sees you as immature and childish, so you should dump him before he dumps you, or he sees you as some easy-to-manipulate boy cock he fuck at whim and abuse as he pleases. Grab a whip and show him who’s boss.

2.If you love him but he doesn’t love you, then that’s a clear sign you should get a grip. If he, despite knowing how you feel, still offers to shag you, slit the smug bastard’s throat and steal his Gucci loafers to sell on eBay. He’s clearly using you for his own perverse amusement and has total disregard for how you feel.

3.If he gives you an STD six months after you both checked out clean, he’s obviously cheating. Put a needle under your tongue right before you go to give him his next blowjob. You get top points if you can slide it down his urethra before he notices.

4.If he spends all his time with his ex-boyfriend but ignores you, even on Valentine’s Day, then chances are he’s boning the ex. Especially if you don’t have sex anymore, you have to call him first and he plans weekends away with the scabby queen he used to go out with.

5.Similar to above, if he always talks about his exes and tells you he loves you after a fortnight, he’s probably a desperate serial monogamist willing to jump headfirst into any doomed relationship he can get his hands on. Pity the poor suckers who end up with his rapid cycling bi-polar and self-harming mood-swings for more than a month.

6.If he makes you clean up his piss from the white carpets after a tragically messy night out, or if he makes you pay his bills and have sex on demand, whilst giving you nothing in return except the clap, he likely sees you as a maid/parent/slave and not the equal you (maybe) deserve to be. Then again, if you agree to do it you deserve everything you get.

With that in mind, it’s always worth a carrying a switchblade in your Vivienne Westwood pirate boots (which are almost as out of fashion now as that neck-scarf thing), just so you can fend of the clamouring masses of toxic boyfriends, who roam the clubs like zombies wanting to leech you of any fabulousness you may possess. As soon as they display any of the above symptoms, aim for the head and then get out of there ASAP. Whatever you do, don’t whinge to your mates, in case they decide to stab you instead.

Ignore these words of wisdom at your own peril.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

EXCLUSIVELY

Katie Price and Peter Andre, if you´ve been living under a rock and
somehow haven´t heard, are no longer together. Forget their recent
appearances on Graham Norton and Paul O´Grady; forget their marathon
dash. Forget every word you´ve read in any of Katie´s ghostwritten
autobiographies. It´s all apparently rubbish. But let´s face it, who
ever bought it anyway? I wouldn´t be surprised if they switched again
and renewed their wedding vows for a glossy magazine before we even go
to print.

Goodbye ageing obscurity and Hello! magazine.

Peter wants to sing again, but has he asked any of us what we think?
Let´s hope he doesn´t. And will Katie resurrect Jordan? I can see the
wrinkles now. He: parading around across MTV and T4 with his leathery
man-boobs out, grinding to a mysterious (and invisible) girl. She:
baps out, down to her ankles, stretch-marked and leaking milk all over
page three. What a pair of tits!

Maybe I´m cynical (by now you know I am) but doesn´t this just seem
like yet another ploy to get on the front page? Now they get to sell
stories about how bad the other was in bed, who took up the bed
covers, who cheated on who. There will be the custody battle, the
McCartney-style fight for material gain, thew concerned Mitch
Winehouse-type parents, the disturbed children, the public rows, the
general public disapproval, then maybe a reconciliation in time for
spring.

Well Max Clifford might find the media circus amusing, but i fancy
setting the elephants loose and dropping the tent on all concerned.
i´m tired of the relentless freakshow. With all her thick make-up she
looks like a Tia-Anna rip off (if you caught the drag queen on
Britain´s Got Talent). Then again, it does seem like a good lesson in
how to cash in during the credit crunch. Maybe MPs will be doing it
next to repay their fraudulent expenses claims.

[Originally published in Bent: http://mag.bent.com]

Sunday, 12 December 2010

PRICE TO PAY

[Originally published May 10 in Bent: http://mag.bent.com]

Katie Price and Peter Andre, if you´ve been living under a rock and
somehow haven´t heard, are no longer together. Forget their recent
appearances on Graham Norton and Paul O´Grady; forget their marathon
dash. Forget every word you´ve read in any of Katie´s ghostwritten
autobiographies. It´s all apparently rubbish. But let´s face it, who
ever bought it anyway? I wouldn´t be surprised if they switched again
and renewed their wedding vows for a glossy magazine before we even go
to print.

Goodbye ageing obscurity and Hello! magazine.

Peter wants to sing again, but has he asked any of us what we think?
Let´s hope he doesn´t. And will Katie resurrect Jordan? I can see the
wrinkles now. He: parading around across MTV and T4 with his leathery
man-boobs out, grinding to a mysterious (and invisible) girl. She:
baps out, down to her ankles, stretch-marked and leaking milk all over
page three. What a pair of tits!

Maybe I´m cynical (by now you know I am) but doesn´t this just seem
like yet another ploy to get on the front page? Now they get to sell
stories about how bad the other was in bed, who took up the bed
covers, who cheated on who. There will be the custody battle, the
McCartney-style fight for material gain, thew concerned Mitch
Winehouse-type parents, the disturbed children, the public rows, the
general public disapproval, then maybe a reconciliation in time for
spring.

Well Max Clifford might find the media circus amusing, but i fancy
setting the elephants loose and dropping the tent on all concerned.
i´m tired of the relentless freakshow. With all her thick make-up she
looks like a Tia-Anna rip off (if you caught the drag queen on
Britain´s Got Talent). Then again, it does seem like a good lesson in
how to cash in during the credit crunch. Maybe MPs will be doing it
next to repay their fraudulent expenses claims.

Sunday, 5 December 2010

SPEAKEASY

[Originally published in Bent: http://mag.bent.com]

It's no secret that language is adapting. Already we have the internet contracting conversations to streams of capital letters and symbols denoting emoticons. But we find it's not quite adapting fast enough. Here at Bent Towers we have a range of emotions and sentiments we'd love to see expressed in more economical terms. So in order to aid the evolution of the English language (and bitch in a more timely fashion), here are our favourite new anagrams.

LOML – Lets out maniacal laughter. For those moments when you laugh like an absolute maniac.

WLC – Wanks like crazy.

LWEG – Laughs with evil glee. For all those Dr Evil moments.

FUA – Flirts unabashedly. For those times you're being an absolute tease.

CS – Cybersex. As in 'Fancy some quick CS?'

CSA – Cybersex addict. Not the now-defunct Child Support Agency.

PW – Phone wank. As in 'Fancy a quick PW?'

ALS – Annoying lesbo sycophant.

AFHS – Annoying faghag sycophant.

HBS – Hot bush sex. I.e., cruising on the heath.

GVBS – Gives virtual bitch-slap. For when cocky little princesses diss your outfit.

SYBH – Slaps you back to Hell.

FOD – Friend(s) of Dorothy. It just saves typing it all out, really.

LGB – Local gay bar.

DDGB – Dirty dark gay bar. The places bears go.

IMNSHO – In my not-so-humble opinion. We already have IMO and IMHO, so why not get cocky about it?

B/T/FOSB – Blogging/tweating/Facebooking out of sheer boredom. We all do it.

RLQ/VLQ – Rancid little queen/vile little queen. This could be anyone.

NAS – Non-anal sex. For the vanilla types.

FOAS – Full-on anal sex.

DBDL – Dirty backdoor lovin'!

DDQ – Dangerous drag queen. Makes sense really.

DIM – Diva-in-making. Should probably be used disparagingly.

CFCG/CFCF – Cruising for cock on Gaydar/Fitlads.

MH(H)G – Minces (her) hips gaily.

BUFS – Butches up for the show. You know, when you butch up to fit in with your hetero mates, or when you do it to attract a scally.

PLDB – Prissy little diva bitch. You know the type. They're four years younger than you and think they rule the scene. Then they get drunk and cry because you call them a PLDB, which only justifies the insult.

BITCH – Beyonce is the coolest homo. And you know it!