Sunday, 29 August 2010

I'LL JUST GO BACK TO TALKING ABOUT COCKS, SHALL I?

Anyone who follows me on Facebook will know I'm something of a prolific user. And that's putting it lightly. Links, thoughts, musings and rants pout forth perhaps not as quick as water, but maybe as steadily as treacle from a spoon.

This past month I've been ranting and raving about all things political. Whether it's the Institute of Financial Studies claiming police forces might be cut by 40% or paedophile transsexuals evading jail terms because the sentencing judge couldn't bear to put her in a prison, I've had an opinion. Well it's unsurprising really. Any of my regular readers will know I'm something of an opinionated bitch, if occasionally a bit soppy and usually staunchly libertinistic. People want me that way. If I get too political, their ears start bleeding as their brains melt. They can't understand how things might not be what they seem.

And now I've had to promise myself of a return to more frivolous statuses. It's all going to be: 'Wow! What a big cock he had!' and 'Rule #247: just because he's less good looking than you, it doesn't mean he won't hurt you'.

So let's start by saying how glad I am that, as I write this, it's the weekend and I have a shag lined up. I've been horny as sin ever since it started warming up, and my DVD collection is starting to get rather sticky. It doesn't matter how often I pull, I still get horny four times a day, without fail.

Which leads me to my next frivolous point: do not mix class A substances with herbal viagra and then go into a dodgy gay bar with too many UV lights. Seriously. The world will appear to turn purple and you'll delight in telling everyone.

And next time I get drunk, don't let me eat dodgy takeaway donner kebabs. Or as I call them, listeria specials. Though the dicky stomach helps me lose the weight afterwards, I can't stand all the time on the bog.

There. Was that shallow enough for you? No? Well I can't be arsed writing anymore—my taxi's waiting outside to take me for my weekly eyelid rejuvenation and my Krug is getting warm!

[Originally published in Bent: http://mag.bent.com]

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